What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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