oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
