apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize