Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
