We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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