I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
