he wants to bone in the snuggie
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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