I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize