My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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