Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
