I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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