My hand turned me down
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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