you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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