He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
