Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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