I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
