just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
