I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
