If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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