I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
