man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
