Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
