its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So apparently I’m into choking now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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