Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
