Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
