Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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