Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You are the jesus of drinking
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
