I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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