this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
