Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
