Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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