Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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