Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That accounts for only three of the penises
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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