I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
