It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
