mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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