I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
