it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
