I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
