Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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