just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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