worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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