I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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