Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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