i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
