Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
