i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Its about making memories worth repressing
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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