Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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