I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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