i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
