Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
