mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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