I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
