My brain says no but my pants say off.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
